Monthly Archives: November 2013
Randy Orton (c) vs. The Big Show
*Randy Orton, but match has no sizzle.
John Cena (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio
*Can never bet against Super-Cena. This match has even less sizzle.
*Punk & Bryan because Wyatts have upper hand heading into PPV.
Goldust, Cody Rhodes, Rey Mysterio, & The Usos vs.
The Shield & The Real Americans (w/ Zeb Colter)
*The Shield & Real Americans, but match is really a toss up.
Big E Langston (c) vs. Curtis Axel
*Big E. WWE is done pushing Axel.
The True Divas vs. The Total Divas
*The Total Divas, but I’m rooting for AJ Lee’s team.
*The Miz. He has a crummy TV movie to promote.
“I Can’t Stan You” 5/6/07
Stan goes crazy when he learns that his neighbors don’t like him.
“Joint Custody” 5/20/07
Stan tries to turn Jeff over to the authorities, but they end up bonding.
“Stanny Slickers 2: The Legend of Ollie North’s Gold” 5/11/08
Stan tunnels beneath The Smith house, searching for Oliver North’s gold.
“1600 Hundred Candles” 9/28/08
Steve hits puberty, which takes the focus away from Roger’s birthday plans.
“Weiner of Our Discontent” 5/3/09
Roger learns that he was a crash-test-dummy, so he distributes toxic hotdogs.
“Home Adrone” 10/11/09
Steve crashes a military drone while Francine, Haley, and Roger are stuck on a plane.
“May the Best Stan Win” 2/14/10
A cybernetic Stan travels back in time from the distant future to win Francine’s heart.
“Cops and Roger” 4/11/10
Roger feels like a victim, so he joins the police academy, then becomes a dirty cop.
“Stan’s Food Restaurant” 11/14/10
Stan opens a theme restaurant, fulfilling his dream, but Roger changes the menu.
“You Debt Your Life” 2/20/11
Roger finally moves out of The Smith house and is replaced by Andy Dick.
“I Am the Walrus” 3/27/11
Stan becomes paranoid that Steve will usurp him as the alpha male.
“Season’s Beatings” 12/11/11
A parody of “The Omen” and a prequel to “Rapture’s Delight.”
“Ricky Spanish” 5/6/12
Roger’s most infamous persona forces him to make amends for his wicked ways.
1998. It’s been several weeks since human remains began to be discovered near Marble River in the Cider District of Raccoon City. S.T.A.R.S. Bravo Team was dispatched to search the Arklay Mountains, but contact was lost, so now the S.T.A.R.S Alpha Team will investigate.
Chris Redfield, a rugged ex-pilot. Jill Valentine, an attractive explosives experts. Barry Burton, a brawny weapons expert. Joseph Frost, a small-fry in a bandana. Brad Vickers, a cocky chopper pilot. And Captain Albert Wesker, the enigmatic leader of Alpha Team with slicked back hair and dark shades.
Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine were playable characters. The developers, Capcom, must have assumed that gamers would select Chris Redfield, but Jill Valentine was far more popular, likely because she could store more weapons in her inventory. Chris Redfield was featured on the cover art of the director’s cut, narrated the prologue, and even if you played the Jill Valentine scenario, he was scuffed up far worse in the final cut scene. A miscalculation on the part of the developers.
Frost gets killed by wild dogs in the opening cut scene and Vickers abandons his team in a cowardly fashion. The survivors seek haven at Spencer Mansion. If you play the Jill Valentine scenario, she and Barry search for Chris, who has gone missing. Wesker also disappears, but not until after the first zombie was encountered. Because of the pack of ravenous dogs, fleeing this mansion is impossible. Jill and Barry split up and search the mansion for their missing comrades. Barry vanishes first in the Chris Redfield scenario.
A cinematic game with a creepy score and an eerie environment. An atmosphere which was worthy of any classic horror movie. I saw George Romero, the father of modern zombies, at New York Comic Con 2013 and even he credited the “Resident Evil” video game franchise and its many imitators as the reason for the resurgence in the popularity of zombies since the 1990s.
There were a few out of place Indiana Jones style booby-traps throughout the mansion and the secret underground facility. And some of the cut scene dialogue is pretty hokey, especially Barry’s. Besides the regular zombies, you encounters zombie crows, a zombie shark, a giant snake, and a giant spider. That seemed to be overkill. I think normal sized snakes and spiders would have been sufficiently scary for the gamers. Imagine being engulfed by zombie spiders? Terrifying. I also thought that it was odd to open up secret compartments by playing the piano.
You discover that the Umbrella Corporation had used this mansion as a front for illegal experimentations. Umbrella’s Research and Development Department had successfully maturated the T-Virus, a mutagenic biological agent. The sole purpose of this agent was to engineer an undead super-soldier with the codename “Tyrant” to be auctioned to one of Umbrella’s wealthy defense contracts. Or at least, that is my assumption. Umbrella’s insidious plots become a little convoluted as time goes on. A T-Virus outbreak occurred in the mansion. All personnel, animal test subjects, and guard dogs were infected.
In the Chris Redfield scenario, you are introduced to Rebecca Chambers, a young field medic of Bravo Team. In both scenarios, it gets revealed that Wesker is the traitor. An “insurance policy” of sorts for the Umbrella Corporation. I’d gone trick-or-treating that year as Wesker with a friend who was guised as Barry. We had yet to beat the game and were unaware of Wesker’s treachery. Wesker was supposedly killed by the game’s final boss, the aforementioned Tyrant. A rocket launcher is required to vanquish the hulking creature. Vickers finally has the balls to return and evacuate the survivors.
Chris and Jill are shown in the back of the chopper no matter what. In the Jill scenario, Barry is with them. In the Chris scenario, it is Rebecca. Chris Redfield’s sister, Claire, was the protagonist in “Resident Evil 2.” Jill Valentine returned for “Resident Evil 3: Nemesis.” Both Chris and Claire Redfield appeared in “Resident Evil: Code Veronica,” which was developed for the Sega Dreamcast and not the Sony PlayStation. Rebecca Chambers was a protagonist in the prequel, “Resident Evil: Zero,” which was developed for the Nintendo GameCube. The original game also was remade for the GameCube in 2002. A new character, Lisa Trevor, was added to the canon.
A live action “Resident Evil” movie was released in 2002, starring Milla Jovovich and Michelle Rodriguez, directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. I was disappointed with the film. A laser beam killed more people than the zombies. No characters from the games were featured sans for a little girl hologram which was the equivalent to Lisa Trevor. In the increasingly worse live action sequels, characters from the games did start to appear in supporting roles.
*Resident Evil aficionado and gamer Jonathan Parente consulted on this article written by Dominick Cappello, author of this blog. A “Resident Evil 2” article will likely soon follow, but some time will probably pass before more sequels are chronicled.
*Here are scenarios where these grapplers could have become champion.
“Rowdy” Roddy Piper
The Hot Rod could have won the title at The Wrestling Classic in November of 1985, then lost it back to Hulk Hogan in the main event of WrestleMania II. How that changes history: King Kong Bundy’s push is aborted and there is no boxing match with Mr. T at WrestleMania II. No great loss. Roddy Piper competed in WCW in the late 1990s, but even when the WCW Championship changed hands like a hot potato, The Hot Rod still could not capture the gold.
Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat
The Dragon revolutionized pro wrestling with his Intercontinental Championship Match against “Macho Man” Randy Savage at WrestleMania III, but asked to take the summer of 1987 off to tend to his family. That is not the way to get in Vince McMahon’s good graces. Had he put the needs of the promotion ahead of his personal life, he might have challenged Hulk Hogan for his spot as top baby-face circa WrestleMania IV just as The Ultimate Warrior did at WrestleMania VI. How that changes history: Ricky Steamboat would have been booked as one of the elite along side Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. There might not have been room at the top for The Ultimate Warrior. Ricky Steamboat did win the WCW Championship from “Nature Boy” Ric Flair in 1989.
“The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
Andre the Giant could have been allowed to sell the title to The Million Dollar Man on The Main Event after his controversial win over Hulk Hogan. Ted DiBiase then loses the belt to “Macho Man” Randy Savage at WrestleMania IV. How that changes history: There is no title tournament at WrestleMania IV, but the big matches that were part of the tournament like Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant and Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. “Ravishing” Rick Rude could still be booked. The main event also remains the same.
Jake “The Snake” Roberts
After turning heel over the summer, Jake Roberts could have defeated Hulk Hogan at Survivor Series 1991 instead of The Undertaker. How that changes history: Since The Undertaker’s first title reign was short and barely even acknowledged for several years, his career would not have suffered much. The Undertaker was a protégé of Jake Roberts at the time, so The Phenom could still be part of the angle and the title would probably still be declared vacant before the 1992 Royal Rumble.
“Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig
Tough to say as, unfortunately, Mr. Perfect was not involved in many angles with WWF Champions save for a brief feud with Hulk Hogan circa the 1990 Royal Rumble. Maybe he could have ended The Ultimate Warrior’s reign at Royal Rumble 1991 and then been in the main event of WrestleMania VII against Hulk Hogan? How that changes history: Sgt. Slaughter gets shafted big time, which I am not advocating. I am trying to come up with scenarios which do not alter history too much. Curt Hennig was at least the AWA Champion before joining the WWF in 1988.
“Ravishing” Rick Rude
Another tough one. Rick Rude departed for WCW while The Ultimate Warrior was the WWF Champion. He would have been another candidate to bridge the gap between The Warrior and Hulk Hogan in 1991 since he already beat The Warrior at WrestleMania V for the Intercontinental Championship. How that changes history: It was not my intent to pick on Sgt. Slaughter’s title reign, but erasing a reign of Hulk Hogan, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, or The Ultimate Warrior would alter WWF history to such a degree that it would be total fantasy booking without any link to reality. Rick Rude had three reigns as the WCW International Heavyweight Champion during the transitional period when the promotion showcased two heavyweight champions.
Owen could have defeated Bob Backlund at the Madison Square Garden houseshow the weekend after Survivor Series 1994 instead of Diesel. Owen had helped Backlund win the title. Betraying Backlund and taking the belt from him could have been phase two of Owen’s plan. Owen loses the belt to Diesel at Royal Rumble 1995. Bret “Hit Man” Hart interferes in that match. How that changes history: Diesel still faces Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XI, but Bret and Owen’s respective matches are a bit more tricky. Even with Yokozuna as his mystery tag team partner, Owen may not have challenged for the WWF Tag Team Championships. Owen could have fought Bret in the “I Quit” Match with “Rowdy” Roddy Piper as guest referee, taking the place of Bob Backlund. Bret vs. Backlund at WrestleMania XI was the weakest of the matches they competed in during their 1994-1995 rivalry anyway, but I do not enjoy leaving Yokozuna without a match. The roster was real thin at the time and I cannot think of worthy adversary for Yoko.
The Lex Express steadily derailed after he failed to take the gold from Yokozuna in the main event of SummerSlam 1993. In my own humble opinion, it was for the best that Yokozuna was booked as this unstoppable heel champion until WrestleMania X. Vince McMahon also chose wisely by having Bret “Hit Man” Hart be the hero who slayed the monster. The only other opportunity I can think of to make Lex champion would be to interrupt Diesel’s year long title reign in 1995. Lex could win the belt at the King of the Ring and lose it back to Diesel at SummerSlam. How that changes history: King Mabel never main events a pay-per-view and perhaps Lex does not jump to WCW and appear on the inaugural Monday Nitro, effecting the early days of the Monday Night War.
Not unlike Mr. Perfect, Razor Ramon was a perennial contender for the Intercontinental Championship. The only WWF Championship Match I can recall him competing in was against Bret “Hit Man” Hart at Royal Rumble 1993. That was not the right time for him to become champion, nor should he have ended Diesel’s 1995 reign. A likely scenario would have been for Scott Hall to not join WCW in 1996, remain with the WWF, turn heel, and feud with Shawn Michaels. They could have had another Ladder Match? They were tied at one a piece, so a rubber match to settle things? How that changes history: Scott Hall appearing announced on Nitro caused the Monday Night War to escalate in a big way. Scott Hall and subsequently Kevin Nash changed the industry forever in 1996. Like Roddy Piper, Scott Hall was one of the few WCW main event talents to not have a run with the WCW Championship in the late 1990s.
The Honky Tonk Man
He had the charisma, but not quite the wrestling skills to be the WWF Champion.
“The Texas Tornado” Kerry Von Erich
He had the body builder physique the WWF loves, but lacked the promo ability.
“The British Bulldog” Davey Boy Smith
The same situation as with Kerry Von Erich. Great physique, generic promos.
An Intercontinental Champion who became WCW and TNA World Champion.
With his androgynous gimmick, he could have challenged Shawn Michaels in 1996.
Had he not returned to ultimate fighting, he may have become the WWF Champion.